Overthinking… Is it my Brain Trying to work out old trauma?
Dreams, Nightmares & What Comes Through
Day 18:July 26, 2021 — Note to self: Please remember to go with my gut!
Morning
I like my piece today, but too much thinking. I had dreams about sand drawings and couldn’t quite remember them. The images were elusive as I woke. In the studio, I was thinking too hard to try to recapture what was so organic and beautiful in the dream.
The resulting piece is pretty, but took too much mental energy. Just need to be faithful that the impulse from the dream will come back around when it’s ready.
Sometimes liminal thoughts and feelings take a while to burst into consciousness.
1971ish
Everything is dark — the sky, the earth — and army green. The world is collapsing around me, army tanks like clumps of rolled steel storming everywhere, taking over. I can only stand in the midst trembling in fear, small, helpless. Someone gives me a flower to make me feel better, but it’s just a gesture. Nothing changes. Armageddon.
That’s the nightmare I had regularly as a child.
Afternoon
I don’t need to do anything, be anything, other than who I am. I only need to stay present, be here now, open and pour out thoughts, feelings — anything that comes is OK.
My body is cold again. Is it related to the dread of the dream? Armageddon?
I can feel the ultimate dread and horror of that dream, but not the feelings in relation to what happened on the bus. The dream is an emotional reflection of what I remember, either in my head or in my heart.
There is judgment in me; I should feel dread about what happened on the bus. I can’t. I know that not feeling is OK, but it doesn’t feel OK. It feels wrong
I should feel horrible about what happened on the bus, but I can’t feel anything about that.
Maybe I can’t feel anything because I can only remember bits and pieces, not what happened.
I know leather seats, brown, and his thigh next to mine on the seat. I see his green army coat, dirty fingers, or maybe…
